fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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