Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
