i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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