Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
