marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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