He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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