good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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