You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
