I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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