Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
