Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
