I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
