I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
