Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
