I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
