If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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