I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
