She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
