3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am naked and annoyed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
