My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I stole a fireplace last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
