I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
