wat bout pragnant strippers??
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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