I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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