If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
