god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
