You made me cry and you don't even care
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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