I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
