dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
