i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
