I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
