I just saw a hot homeless man
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
