I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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