I hate all girls vehemently.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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