4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
