I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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