So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
