Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
