I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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