...so i touched it.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
