Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
