oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
