Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
