i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
be right there i have to get my cape
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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