Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
