"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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