the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
