i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
