I think I died a long time ago.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
