I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
