You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
