Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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