Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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