You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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