i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
