I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
