your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
