I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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