sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
